Not-very-well-known children’s author Tommy Greenwald made an unexpected announcement today, declaring that he has made himself available for writers’ conferences, provided the conferences are held at locations with a spa.

“It has long been a dream of mine to give back to the writing community,” Greenwald said in a prepared statement. “I am now delighted to be able to do just that, as long as the writing community pays my expenses and throws in a few hot stone massages.”

Greenwald, the author of the somewhat-obscure CHARLIE JOE JACKSON series, went on to describe how excited he is to get started. “I know there are a lot of pre-published writers out there who are looking for feedback,” he said. “I look forward to talking with them about how to shape their voice, who might be the best editors for their work, and which yoga classes they recommend I take.”

Reaction around the children’s literature community was swift and universal. “This is so great,” said Greenwald’s editor, Nancy Mercado of Roaring Brook Press. “I have no idea what Tommy could possibly say that would help other writers, but he could definitely stand to lose a little weight.”